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Thread: Father issues. I just need advice.

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    Unhappy Father issues. I just need advice.

    I hate being whiny and... I feel like I'm going to be whiny. I know this place isn't a journal, and I don't want to come off as someone wanting pity. that's the thing I DON'T want, more than anything. it hurts more than it helps. I just don't know what to DO. I am at a total loss. I'm scared and very upset, and I need advice...

    My dad is an alcoholic, to put things frankly. His decision to continue drinking heavily split he and my mom apart. he used to go into the garage all the time to drink in secret, saying he had gone to run errands, while my mom would feed me and play with me and take care of me. My mom always wanted to put me into the care of a babysitter. Her picture-perfect life was to be part of "winning the bread," my dad the other part, having a lovely house (we did at the time), having a great job and income, and a great social life. She was indeed a socialite. She's an older parent as well, about 58 right now, and my dad is turning 60 this year. I'm 17. She tried to drop me off at my aunt's all the time (Aunt Janet for future reference, her blood sister) and basically wanted her to be my "au pair." My aunt Janet thought this was very unfair to her and me, for that matter.

    I vividly remember my dad stumbling in the house, yelling, and then collapsing on the couch to sleep. I'd try to wake him up and a few times I thought he was dead. I really started to do this when I turned 3 years old. They divorced about a year later.

    Bad things happened when my parents divorced. My father had to drop me off mainly at my cousin's full-time, my cousin Scott who is much older than myself. I really don't feel like going into detail. My cousin's actions continued on until I was 12 and my dad progressed in terms of abstaining from alcohol, but began to hate life and resent me, or seem to do so. Middle school, and elementary school for that matter, were awful times for me. I was very reclusive and would push people away so I was made fun of and had a circle of amazing friends that I was indeed blessed with, they were my "rocks" if you will. They helped me stay anchored. Around this time I was on a new medication called Silexa (sp?) and I gained a lot of weight. I had always been a rounder kid but not fat at all. I became endlessly tortured by kids at school and I developed an eating disorder at 11 and bladder issues resurfaced that I had when I was little.

    High school was not much better, and although the bullying ceased I was still very self-conscious and my father began to tell me I needed to "stop being fat" and my mother discreetly told me so ("allie, you need to lose weight to be healthy.")

    Junior year I stopped going to school and now I'm homeschooled. My mother has not been much better with telling me how I've gained weight but my dad does this more severely. The most recent example was last week when he actually told my drama instructor from a week-long drama and broadway camp that I "really did need to lose a lot of weight so I could get a skinny part." Because of my being sick and my health not the greatest I couldn't perform very well. I tried my best and I worked up, but it was very difficult at first.

    I was devastated and I could tell that my drama instructor even thought this was inappropriate. When my dad and I got in the car I started to cry and asked him why he would say that. "Well I wouldn'tve said it if it weren't true. You've gained weight and you're obviously not skinny."

    Today I was very sad, we were in the car again, and he was telling me that "oh well your animals don't need all the care that they get now." I told him that yes they did or they would be very unhealthy or would die, probably both. He goes "Well look who's smarter. Who graduated Prep School? Who graduated from an Ivy League college? Not you. I doubt you'll graduate high school."

    I just don't know what to do anymore. he calls me a stupid bitch and I just lose it. I can't take this and I don't have anywhere to go. My mother is very aggressive with me as well and she tells me my work is not good enough. I'm scared and I love my parents and I don't understand why they do this. I didn't mean to give you my sob story, I just wanted to give you a bit of my background and I'm so sorry if I bored you or troubled you or annoyed you, anything of the sort.

    I'm so frightened and I posted this because I know some of you are parents, some of you are my age, and you all have different life experiences. I need advice because of your guys' different wisdom. What do I do? What do I say? Where should I go? I'm seeing a therapist and she helps an incredible amount, but things always come up.

    Please help. I'd love your input.
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    You are telling a lot of my story. Sadly, we can't pick our parents. I was so relieved when my parents divorced, no more fighting. I was even more relieved when my dad moved half way across the country. It is just too hard to deal with him. Here's some solid advice which worked for me:

    1. Go to Al-Anon or Alateen. Visit their websites. They can really help you to realize it's not your fault and help you learn how to deal with your dad.

    2. Set down ground rules with your dad. It is scary, but you can tell him certain topics are off the table (like your weight).

    3. Surround yourself with healthy people. Don't be around people who bring you down. Especially if they are partyers. You have a high chance (at least 50%) of becoming an alcoholic yourself. Don't chance it.

    4. Keep going to your therapist and stay SAFE!!!

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    I don't have much in the way of advice except to say that people are usually products of their environments. Your dad grew up a certain way and became who and what he is because of it. Same with your mom. It is good that you are seeing a therapist as what you grew up with and continue to experience IS confusing and frightening. It is not normal behavior and you are right to question it.

    Children are born into much better and much worse situations than you. Those who can march to their own beat and choose the path they want to take are truly somewhat blessed. You have one year to go before you can go do as you please for yourself. Apply for a GED (I believe it is called... your HS Graduate equivalent?) become independent for your own sake and follow YOUR dream. You can and should always love your parents but you needn't alter your path to happiness. Strive to learn to understand them and realize that YOU have nothing to do with how they are.... you can only control your own path.

    I wish you luck... feel free to PM if you need to vent or have someone listen.

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    [QUOTE=MoonriseGeckos;316624]

    3. Surround yourself with healthy people. Don't be around people who bring you down.

    This is such an important point... well-said.

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    I'm so sorry. I've been in your shoes, or shoes like yours. I grew up with an alcoholic father; he and mom divorced due to the alcohol and abuse when I was only 5, but he continued to be a negative force in my life until fairly recently.

    First, know that the way he is treating you is not okay. He's ridiculing you in front of people that are important to you, and demeaning your experiences and knowledge. This is a form of emotional abuse. Calling you names is definitely emotional/verbal abuse. It hurts, especially since it's coming from someone who is in a position of power and should be in a position of trust.

    You said you have nowhere to go. How much do you trust your drama instructor? Since he was witness to the issue, could he possibly be someone to lean on? Many teachers are knowledgeable about what to do if a pupil is in trouble and he could possibly guide you to someone you could talk to. Does the camp have a guidance counselor at all, or someone in charge that could guide you?

    You said your father is someone you love... but he does not have to be someone you give your respect to. This was something I struggled with in my situation as well. I was only able to start separating the "dad" from the "alcoholic/sick person" when I realized that you can care about someone's well-being but not have to respect them.

    I don't really want to go into much detail about my own experiences in public, but if you need someone to talk to you can hit me up in PM or e-mail anytime.

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    Madeline, thank you for your advice and I'm glad that the divorce helped you out and that you were helped by this sound advice that you just gave me. I agree with everything you have said and I have tried my very best at all of these things BUT I should really start to go to Alateen meetings and such. I promise to stay safe. thank you very much

    Mike, thank you very much as well. I agree with all that you've said. I love my parents very very much and that is the reason why I am so hurt, you know? You're right. The homeschool I'm actually a part of has a highschool degree as a part of the graduation, as opposed to a GED, which is great. I'm excited for the future, and sticking it out will be hard, but I won't do anything to hinder my future and I refuse to do so. I won't allow it.

    thank you both so much for your advice and kind words.
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    You need to 1st take care of yourself. Don't let others bring you down no matter who they are. Feel good about yourself. You have your animals to take care of and they can be a source of strength for you. I had dogs back when I was your age they were my support system they are always something to talk too and they listen. I also have older parents. Friends my age parents are my sisters age and their grandparents are the age of my parents. So I understand the age difference is very different. They don't understand, I agree just talk to them and tell them this is who you are and them telling you to loose weigh is not their decision its yours and they can be there to support you when or if you are ever ready. Them complaining about your weight is hurtfull and not helpful. Dont be afraid to tell them if they hurt you, they need to know.
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    Jaybee, I'm very sorry that you had to deal with that in your life as well and I wouldn't want that to happen to anyone, trust me. I'm glad he is now out of the position in your life, for sure. The camp is over, but the instructor is actually in my neighbor and I might be attending another camp shortly. I'll probably take that up.

    also I agree with what you've said about the respect issue and understand it. I've been thinking about it as of late. your support really helps and it means a WHOLE bunch to me, and I appreciate your kind words. I will probably PM you if you're sure you're comfortable with it.

    Rizaroo, you are so right with my animals! I talk to them every day, like they're my plants ahha, and I also have a wonderful boyfriend who I have known for a looooong time. he is incredibly supportive of me and wants me out of this situation. so he's like my animal too... LOL JK! ahahah. thank you, and I will definitely tell them how I feel and I hope for the best.
    Last edited by Porcelain; 07-20-2010 at 09:41 PM. Reason: reply to rizaroo :)
    1.0 Crested Gecko (Beauregard Monroe) 0.1 Ball Python (Queen Elizabeth) 0.1 Leos (Rusty) 0.1 Savannah Monitor (Panzer) 1.0 BCC (Perseus) 1.0 Albino burm (Banana) 1.0 Bearded Dragon (Sampson) 1.0 BTS (Neeson) 0.0.1 Leucistic GFP Axolotl (Momo-chan) 1.0 Asian Painted Frog/Chubby Frog (Mr. Bumble) 4.0 Rats, three furred, one hairless dumbo (Raisin, Plague, Fibonacci, Butterscotch) 1.0 Albino Hedgehog (Kensington) 0.2 Dwarf Hamsters (Socks, Doodle) 0.1 Dachshund (Cricket)

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    I'm very sorry for what you have been going through. You must know that you do not deserve to be treated in such a way, and no matter what they say to you, don't let them make you feel inferior in anyway. It is them who are inferior and lacking in parenting skills. My father was an alcoholic when I was young as well, and apparently he still is. I haven't spoken to him since high school, and I just graduated from graduate school. I haven't let his bad choices influence my lifestyle. Let their mistakes be an example to you as what not to do with your life and your children. I agree with Mike, once you turn 18 take advantage of your independence. Move out and live life and make yourself happy and surround yourself with loving supporting people. And try and discuss it with them, how you feel, how they are making you feel. Tell them it is unacceptable and that you deserve love and respect. And if you need someone to talk to you have us on Pangea. I am more than happy to listen. Having someone listen helps a lot. I know you don't know me, but feel free to PM me. : )
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    i pretty much disowned my asshole father after my parents' divorce, have been disowned by my mother, and my extended blood family consists of 5 people who never talk to me either. you may not be able to choose your relatives, but you CAN choose your family, and many members of mine were found right here on pangea. i just wanted to say you are SO NOT fat, you are a beautiful girl and the next time anyone implies or says otherwise... !

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